If the truth
be told, very few of us (especially women) feel comfortable talking about sex. Many of us grew up with all kinds of
misconceptions of what it was, what it was used for and who could partake.
For many women,
we were taught that sex was something naughty, something that could have
negative consequences (getting sexual diseases or getting pregnant), something
that only skanky girls did, or something that should be saved for marriage.
For men,
they grew up thinking they were something special if they could have sex, the
sooner the better. They then loved to
brag about it with all of their buddies (which was great for their egos but
often demoralizing and embarrassing for the girls they were with). Many men
were taught that the more “notches on their belt” the better.
My purpose
in writing/talking about sex is to demystify the whole negative mindset
surrounding sex. I want you to become more comfortable with yourself and your
sexuality. I want you to not only be
able to talk about it but to actually enjoy it, preferably with someone else
who feels equally comfortable with themselves.
We send our
children to school for 12+ years to learn things they probably will never use
(I have NEVER used Chemistry in my life since graduating from High School or
College, and don’t tell me I use Chemistry when I’m cooking!! I didn’t need to
struggle through Chemistry to learn how to cook!!), yet we spend very little
time teaching children the skills needed to make relationships work.
Personally,
I wish more schools would incorporate classes that teach intra-personal
(understanding yourself) and inter-personal (understanding others), conflict
resolution and communication techniques into their programs. Those are the
building blocks of great relationships. And great relationships are predecessors
to great sex.
I have five
children of my own (and one in Heaven). One of the reasons I’m talking about sex
is that someday when my children are emotionally/physically/relationally ready
I would love for them to experience mutually enjoyable relationships which
include great sex. That doesn’t just magically happen.
My parenting
techniques have changed from my oldest to my youngest child (there is an eleven
year difference between them). With my two older kids, I didn’t feel as
comfortable talking to them about sex and therefore, they are having a more
difficult time with the fact that THEIR mother is talking about sex. With my
three younger kids, I’m trying to incorporate it more into our daily
conversations. I will say things to my
12 year old son which help him understand what goes into pleasing a woman.
(e.g. “Your future wife/girlfriend/partner will so appreciate your
thoughtfulness in cleaning up after yourself and not expecting her to do that
for you, so thank you for putting your dishes in the dishwasher.”)
Another
reason I’m talking about sex is that I want to improve as many relationships as
I can. I want to prevent affairs from
happening because emotional/sexual needs are not being met. I want to teach
young people what to do BEFORE they get into relationships. I want to do this
by educating men and women how to speak each other’s languages.
I have
always had a natural ability to have very candid conversations with males. They
feel comfortable enough with me to let me in on some of the “man code” that us
women don’t understand. I want to share that information with women so they can
better understand how men think.
Because I’m
a woman and have lots of female friends, I know many of the struggles women
experience when it comes to relating to men.
So here’s to
talking about sex. If all of this makes you feel very uncomfortable, I invite
you to give yourself permission to get out of your comfort zone. I had to. And I’m glad I did.
Stacy
Rothenberger, M.S. CCC-SLP, CLC
Communication
Disorders Consultant
Mindset and
Relationship Coach
